Lemonade_222 Thank you so much for your reply! Your feedback is really assuring and Iโll try my best 
once again thank you!!
Discussion board for VCE Japanese!!!
2 months later
Hello,
I'm starting Unit 3/4 Jap SL next year. I've written a sample essay. It would be really helpful if anyone could provide some feedback (what I did right / what I did wrong / how I can improve / how many marks I would get). Thx in advance :3
Here is my essay:
During the summer holidays, you had a meal with your family at a Japanese restaurant in Melbourne and took the photograph below (a Jap lunch set). Japanese food is known as healthy diet. Write an informative essay that describes Japanese food and explains the benefits of eating a healthy Japanese diet. Your Japanese teacher will read the essay.
ใใใๆฅๆฌ้ฃ
ใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใใ ใ ใๅๅ
ใๅคไผใฟใซๅฎถๆใจไธ็ทใซใๆฅๆฌใฎๆฃฎใใจใใใกใซใใซใณใซใใๆๅใชๆฅๆฌ้ฃใฌในใใฉใณใง้ฃไบใใใพใใใใ้ฃฏใ้ญใ้่ใชใฉใ้ฃในใฆใใใใ็พๅณใใใจๆใใพใใใ
ใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใฏๅฅๅบท็ใงไฝใซใใ้ฃไบใจใใฆ็ฅใใใฆใใพใใใใชใใงใใใใใๆฅๆฌใซไฝใใงใใๅไบบใซใใใจใไธปใช็็ฑใฏๆฅๆฌ้ฃใซใฏไฝใซๆชใๆๆใฎไปฃใใใซใ้่ใ้ญใ็ฑณใชใฉใฎใใซใทใผใงๆฐ้ฎฎใชๆๆใไฝฟใใใใใจใ ใใใงใใไพใใฐใใฌในใใฉใณใง้ฃในใๆ็ใซใฏๆ ้คใฎ้ซใๆๆใใใใใๅซใพใใพใใใ
ใๆดใซใใชใตใผใใซใใใจใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใฏใจใใซใใ็ ใๅฟใใ็ ใชใฉใฎ็ ๆฐใ้ฒใใใจใใงใใใจ่จใใใฆใใพใใใชใตใผใใฏใๆฏๆฅๆฅๆฌ้ฃใ้ฃในใไบบใฎ๏ผ๏ผ๏ผ ใฎๆนใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใ้ฃในใชใไบบใใๅฅๅบทใใใใใจ่จใใพใใใ็งใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใ้ฃในใใฐ้ฃในใใปใฉใๅฅๅบทใใใใชใใจๆใใพใใ
ใๅ จไฝ็ใซใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใฏใใใใใ ใใงใชใใไฝใซใใใงใใ
21 days later
- Edited
Really good grammar variety and vocab, also good statistics and use of sources
Just a few things, Iโm no expert but these are just stuff which stood out to me
ใ็พๅณใใใจๆใใพใใใ rather than saying this, the food being delicious is an opinion, not a thought, itโs a judgment made after eating the food, so I think itโd be better to just say ใ็พๅณใใใฃใใงใใ
ใใจใใฆ ใnot exactly sure, but I donโt think thatโs the right usage of this here, but double check with someone else. Pretty sure itโs only used for something which is expected or definitely true due to a role etc. e.g ใ็ๅพใจใใฆๅถๆใ็ใชใใใฐใชใใพใใใagain, not sure
ใไฝฟใใใใใจใ ใใใงใ, you asked your friends, but right now you are saying you โheard it is usedโ. Also, verb plain form๏ผใใใงใ is a grammar point, so theใใจใ is unnecessary. Maybe ไฝฟใใใฆใใพใ is better
ๆดใซ, the kanji is unnecessary
Instead of ใชใตใผใ, I think you should use the actual word ็ ็ฉถ
ใ็ ๆฐใ้ฒใใใจใใงใใใจ่จใใใฆใใพใใใโ>ใ็ ๆฐใ้ฒใใใจ่จใใใฆใใพใใ it was a bit to complicated and assessors would find it hard to read
ใใๆฏๆฅๆฅๆฌ้ฃใ้ฃในใไบบใฎ๏ผ๏ผ๏ผ ใฎๆนใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใ้ฃในใชใไบบใใๅฅๅบทใใใใใจ่จใใพใใใใโ> ใใๆฏๆฅๆฅๆฌ้ฃใ้ฃในใไบบใฎ90๏ผ ใฏใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใ้ฃในใชใไบบใใๅ ๆฐใงใใใพใใใจ่จใใใพใใใ
Everything else is fine, would just make the conclusion longer, at least 2 sentences.
Just remember structure and being concise is most important for assessors. Even if you donโt use complex grammar in every sentence, as long as you include it 3-4 times you will receive higher marks. The last thing assessors want is a tough essay to read.
But really good essay,
I think it would get you a 7-8/10
24 days later
T33M0M41N It would be a better essay if you explained what ไธๆฑไธ่ is.
sopiadavo I don't think I would ใจใใฆ, I would use ใ ใจใ
https://jlptsensei.com/learn-japanese-grammar/%E3%81%A8%E3%81%97%E3%81%A6-toshite-meaning/
the link above explains the ใจใใฆ grammar point.
T33M0M41N
So sorry for the late response,
I have read your essay and would suggest a few things adding on to what the others had suggested:
Instead of the title being ๆฅๆฌ้ฃ, preferably a better creative title should be put in place as VCE assessors would be getting sick of seeing the same title over and over again (by using an interesting title, it could give a good impression for the assesors)
ใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใฏๅฅๅบท็ใงไฝใซใใ้ฃไบใจใใฆ็ฅใใใฆใใพใใใใชใใงใใใใใใThis sentence is phrased a bit weirdly so I suggest rephrasing it to something like ใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใฏๅฅๅบท็ใงไฝใซใใ้ฃไบใจ็ฅใใใฆใใพใใใใใใฏใชใใงใใใใใใ
ใไธปใช็็ฑใฏๆฅๆฌ้ฃใซใฏใis repetitive with 2 ใใฏใso rephrasing it to something like ใไธปใช็็ฑใจใใฆใๆฅๆฌ้ฃใฏไฝใซๆชใๆๆใใใใwould be better
ใ้่ใ้ญใ็ฑณใcan be listed as ใ้่ใ้ญใ็ฑณใ
ใไฝฟใใใใใจใ ใใใงใใ-> ใไฝฟใใใใใใ ใใใงใใ
Everything else is mentioned by sopiadavo
But yea pretty good essay, Great job!!