First of all, I have had 8 people who are either themselves on the spectrum or have immediate family on the spectrum tell me that I most likely have autism and would benefit significantly from a diagnosis, if not just immediately assuming that I have been diagnosed already; these people have included one of my teachers and my adult brother. I would be unable to pursue a diagnosis or anything to get this further looked into as my family does not believe in mental health or neurodivergence and would see this as a sign of my inherent weakness as a human being, likely punishing me for it and using it as a weapon in disputes, as done already by my brother commonly with him using it as an excuse to call me slurs whenever I do anything to upset him, which the rest of my family does not give a damn about. For the sake of this not getting back to my family, Clement is an alias.
I attend a school that expects extremely high results, and am a top achiever there: last year I was dux of Year 11. English Advanced is my only subject that isn't a STEM subject, as I far prefer the sciences personally to humanities, though those are highly enjoyable as well. Last year I felt quite comfortable in English and came 3rd in the cohort; however, since our papers have started being sent out to external markers to simulate HSC feedback I have been doing far worse than I have typically done. In prior years I had established a logical system in terms of structure and how I formulated my arguments which was highly helpful, but it has now completely fallen apart and I have no idea how to approach any of this. The feedback I get from teachers on practice submissions and the markers on the assessments is a smidge helpful, however, a lot of it involves them telling me to make a complete overhaul of the writing style that I have used for years now which has historically gotten results, an overhaul I do not understand how to do because I am already trying my best to make sure that it is cohesive and perfect and references the authors and themes that the markers historically prefer but it's never enough. Nothing I can type up is remotely as good as the people to whom this jazz just comes naturally, the people who are able to somehow, in a manner unbeknownst to me, understand and make sense of this subject that to me is as impenetrable as the blankets of thick fog that cover the city sometimes. I cannot logically make any sense of this house of mirrors of a subject, and I have no idea what to do when every single time I try to fix everything I am told that everything is creatively mangled, but in a new manner this time! This is especially problematic with Mod C discursives, as their utter lack of structure confounds me.
I cannot logic my way through the inherent subjectivity of the subject, which makes it nigh impossible for me to do anything to amend the issues.
Does anyone have any idea what I could do to make this make at least a modicum of logical sense, something I can to to make this subject less intensely stressful and horrifying for me? I really need some help. I hope that whoever reads this has an absolutely wonderful day!
