Feedback on a practice argument analysis

Joezerb

Hi guys, second time writing a complete argument analysis essay. I'm in year 10 and I'm just wondering if anyone is willing to help me out and provide some feedback? Sorry in advance if this isn't relevant to VCE, however I wanted to obtain some knowledge from people who have experience in writing this particular category of essay writing. \

Here's the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mPn99LKlzlEaeF13t0j3V0RozjdUfAR2rCtVdDn6CQw/edit?usp=sharing

P.S - should I add a conclusion?

Toy Planes

Hi there Joezerb,
I am no English teacher, nor am I 'Raw 50 material' so please take my feedback with a grain of salt.

Overall, I think that it is a pretty solid piece. All of the necessary elements were present in the introduction, and the analysis (which is probably the most important element) was respectable.

Areas for improvement:

Formality - Some phrases could have been worded better (e.g. "the use of statistics like how...", "like this example where" or "so by backing up). Unless you are using it as a verb (synonymous with appreciate), I would try to steer away from the word 'like'.
Diversity of language - In a text response, I try to swap between my analytical verbs, to ensure that I don't repeat myself (e.g. insinuate, imply, suggest, hint). The same can be said for your piece. While it isn't imperative to change, you have used the word 'can' 11 times, 'may' 5 times, 'could' 1 time and 'might' 0, which can seem a little repetitive, disrupting the fluency of the piece.
Range of techniques - I didn't actually read the article, and I also understand that sometimes, the article isn't very forgiving. However, I noticed that you used a couple of statistics and 'appeal to emotions'. This, of course, is fine, but appeals are often quite vague, and I would only really use them if there is nothing better.

I hope that this helps. If not, maybe try asking your teacher for help.

FH ⭐️

Toy Planes i would also like to add to your second point. through the use of the words ‘can’ or ‘may,’ it creates a level of uncertainty to the reader. when you are analysing, you need to have confidence— so instead of “may demonstrate,” just remove the “may” and you have created succinctness and certainty in your writing.