- Edited
Really good grammar variety and vocab, also good statistics and use of sources
Just a few things, I’m no expert but these are just stuff which stood out to me
「美味しいと思いました」 rather than saying this, the food being delicious is an opinion, not a thought, it’s a judgment made after eating the food, so I think it’d be better to just say 「美味しかったです」
「として 」not exactly sure, but I don’t think that’s the right usage of this here, but double check with someone else. Pretty sure it’s only used for something which is expected or definitely true due to a role etc. e.g 「生徒として制服を着なければなりません」again, not sure
「使われることだそうです, you asked your friends, but right now you are saying you “heard it is used”. Also, verb plain form＋そうです is a grammar point, so theことだ is unnecessary. Maybe 使われています is better
更に, the kanji is unnecessary
Instead of リサーチ, I think you should use the actual word 研究
「病気を防ぐことができると言われています。」—>「病気を防げると言われています」 it was a bit to complicated and assessors would find it hard to read
「「毎日日本食を食べる人の９０％の方が日本食を食べない人より健康がいい」と言いました。」—> 「「毎日日本食を食べる人の90％は、日本食を食べない人より元気であります」と言われました」
Everything else is fine, would just make the conclusion longer, at least 2 sentences.
Just remember structure and being concise is most important for assessors. Even if you don’t use complex grammar in every sentence, as long as you include it 3-4 times you will receive higher marks. The last thing assessors want is a tough essay to read.
But really good essay,
I think it would get you a 7-8/10
once again thank you!!