English Text Response Analysis help

skam1u_

Hey guys, can anyone read my English text response analysis for The Longest Memory and possibly give some feedback specifically on how I can lift my analysis to a higher grade? I'm stuck.

Topic: The Longest Memory reveals the injustice of slavery. Discuss.

Contention: The characters in The Longest Memory are under an oppressed system of slavery which forces injustice upon them.

D'Aguiar reveals through the brutal acts by the white authority figures in the novella, the degree to which the black majority are inferiorly regarded as objects and are abandoned any form of just human treatment simply due to the colour of their skin. This form of injustice from the white socio-economic group depicts the biased and narrow-minded perception towards the slaves as well as the racial power imbalance, resulting in the slavery system to be one that is unjust, wrong and racist where inhumane acts go beyond physical torture and leads to emotional/mental torment as well.

TSE-Tuition

skam1u_

Hello!

I suggest working on your contention so that you're responding to the prompt more closely. The prompt is really asking you to explore the breadth and depth of injustice caused by slavery, as revealed in TLM - so the requirement here is not so much whether it explores the injustice caused by slavery, but what kind and to what extent?

I'm not sure which body paragraph your mini paragraph is from, but your topic sentence isn't giving me a clear idea of what you're going to discuss in your paragraph. The second part of the sentence (the degree to which...) doesn't really expand on your first part (reveals brutal acts). If you're going to start with 'reveals brutal acts', the second part of that sentence needs to give more information about that idea: what about the brutality? what kind of brutality? what are the consequences of this brutality? what does it reveal about the perpetrators of this brutality? why does brutality lead to injustice? etc.

Hope that helps! 🙂

God

Oooh I did this book last year. JL tutoring (YouTube guy) has a few videos going through his essays which are a must watch.

skam1u_

God Thank you so much I will definitely take a look 🙂

skam1u_

TSE-Tuition Thank you a lot for the feedback and time. It makes much more sense now to me 🙂)

God

Some advice:

the first thing when writing an essay is to come up with three main ideas the author presents about society
the specific part here is society. You are discussing what the author is saying about life. Or how he is presenting things, etc….

So about racism, you want to come up with three key things D’Aguair is saying:

Eg.

Racism is cyclic (And perpetuates throughout history). Eg. Sanders’s Jr’s emulation of his fathers likeliest action….
Racism causes the erosion of culture
Yet there still is hope/ Family can act as a method to find belonging (Cook, despite the masters pot containing the ‘best things her hands could touch’ finds her pot ‘sweeter’)