Victorian selective school

ATAR

For me it's in berwick college at 9 30, where is everyone elses?

AverageMultiChoiceTest

ATAR at Nossal itself

Ronaldo

ATAR 9:30 am if so thats early

Ronaldo

AverageMultiChoiceTest wait doesnt the test have to be like a centre or a venue because i live in narre warren and i got caulfield raccecourse also not trying to be a burden but please rate my essay below your comment on a scale of 1/10

Ronaldo

hey could someone read this essay and see if its good or bad
SHOULD THE GOOGLE STREET CAR STOP BEING USED
The google street car is an advanced piece of technology that unlocks all pinpoints on earth however, it could be held for a greater purpose than giving home locations and where the McDonalds down the street is. This stunning piece of tech can be used for a vast space of opportunities such as Law Enforcement.

Firstly, The Google car can and should be used to give assistance to law enforcement or city councils to tackle down many barriers that creates a bad city. The google street car has a camera and while it uses it to record locations it could also be used to record crimes such as destruction of property/vandalism. This crime can be seen as spray painting shops or "egging a house" and a very common but unheard one is changing your property without a permit. The street car has the ability to record all these crimes and without it will just deteriorate the name of the neighbourhood.
Secondly, While the city/local council may seem like it has all the resources in the world it doesn't this is due to a common misconception being that every government whether it be federal, state, or local in reality the only government that has a wide variety of resources is the state and federal government due to most money of the taxpayers going to them and while people say "Blood is thicker than water" that is not the case for the government on top of the food chain.
Additionally, the street car can record from all angles so if an illegal drug deal is going on it can record it and these crimes can be as safe as stealing a 5 dollar note from the ground all the way to a drug ring. Since the street car only overlooks houses in neighbourhoods the government has been missing out on using it for alley ways, abandoned shops that aren't on the cars usual route and even inside of shops while just driving by.

Some may state that it is an invasion of privacy, however if someone were to coerce your child to an illegal activity and the cops had no way of finding out but word was out on the street your reputation would be ruined and what if the child decided to kill someone it wouldn't be an invasion of privacy it would be a murder and that is the reason why the google street car shouldn't be seen as something nosy and up in your business it should be seen as a revolutionary tool that can help elevate your city/suburb to the best it can be.

The google street car can help law enforcement and who would not want to be safe that is why we should use the google street car for our safety and we should use it now!.

PS: I was timed for this and i planned for three minutes wrote it in fifteen and used two minutes to correct spelling mistakes

TryingForMHS

Ronaldo Not really, its the normal time, and it is later than the school starting time so

Ronaldo

TryingForMHS hey could you read the essay i wrote above my comment and rate it on 1/10

TryingForMHS

Ronaldo I'm not an expert but I'd structure wise try make the paragraphs more even (roughly same amount of words), and add 3 paragraphs not 2, as my teachers and tuition teachers always demark my essays when I use 2 paragraphs

TryingForMHS

Ronaldo Yes, for some reason the venues are race courses, I also got caulfield Race course, I think there will be a building there

AverageMultiChoiceTest

TryingForMHS By th elooks of all the AtarNotes forums, there's going to be a LOT of people at Caufield

AverageMultiChoiceTest

I got an email saying it is in Nossal itself for me, also 9/10 nice vocab 'coerce' and good jargon. Try to make it a bit longer in the actual exam tho

TryingForMHS

AverageMultiChoiceTest Yeah there is

TryingForMHS

Also at the conclusion, try to extend it and list all your previous arguments, because the conclusion is like a summary

TryingForMHS

Also for your second bp it's 1 sentence, so try to follow TEEL (Topic sentence, Evidence, Explanation, Linking sentence)

Ronaldo

TryingForMHS oh yeah i forgot that was mb thanks for your feedback

TryingForMHS

I'd give it a 76%/100

AverageMultiChoiceTest

TryingForMHS i did not realise all of this lol

TryingForMHS

AverageMultiChoiceTest Its alr I pointed it out, hopefully he change change is essay to better fit my suggestions

Ronaldo

TryingForMHS thanks i just used a random prompt and i used your information and i forgot to say when i had three minutes left over i was going to put in more info on the conclusion and for my 1st bp is had a good amount of writing so i thought when i wrote it with that much and the second bp it would be enough also i was told that when you write 2 bps and only have 5 mins left i try to squeeze in a 3rd bp if not i just did 2

Ronaldo

also my first preference is nossal so with the corrections you gave me do you think examiners would like the piece in terms vocab, structure and idea

MMHS

i agree, work a bit more on conclusion. Oh yeah i didn't notice, you MUST have 3 body paragraphs as having two brings your mark down

TryingForMHS

MMHS Ye I don't know why but if your 2 bp are really good then it doesn't deduct the mark

MMHS

TryingForMHS
Doesnt or does bc at james an they always do that for those without a full piece

Ronaldo

TryingForMHS hey i took your advice and created a new essay could you rate this one and i know i didnt write 2 bps but the time constraint i took was a few minutes less

Electric vehicles, one of the most Revolutionary ways of using electricity and studying it ever since the great work of Nikola Tesla. Electric cars are one of the tools that can save our earth. This is due to the fact that carbon emissions from petrol cars have gotten worse.
The Electric car can come in all shapes and sizes. The differences between an electric car and petrol car is wider but here is a few. Electric Cars are more suitable for the earth as they are environmentally friendly to us and our planet, but all these petrol cars are deteriorating our planet by releasing carbon emissions and polluting our planet. The electric vehicle runs on a battery that is powered all buy electricity and while petrol cars may seem as a great alternative due to them being seen as having “great mileage “and not being as the men with toxic masculinity name it “feminine”.
The petrol cars are very famous and here are a few. The Toyota is not so much on the environmentally friendly side as they are a top distributor of Petrol-powered vehicles and while they may seem harmless the more petrol Toyotas the more harm our planet is being dealt with. The Lamborghini, Ferrari and sport car industry is one of the most hated distributors of vehicles because they release the most carbon emissions out of them all. The super car industry has a sprinkle of Electric vehicles, however when it comes to branding, they are the masculine brand as they aren’t Girls by making electric vehicles. Tesla one of the most successful car federations is loved by those who care for our environment and those who have a more meticulous taste when it comes to our vehicles.
Some may state that the reason they don’t feel the urge to buy an electric powered vehicle is because they’ve decided it is too expensive, However that is not the case, due to tesla being the worlds largest electric car brand it makes it seem like this revolutionary vehicle is worth too much however if you see Asian brands such as Toyota, Mazda and many more you will see that all of these brands have electric vehicles for under $70,000 dollars. The misconception of people having electric cars are snobby and hateful to those who are poor are wrong the actual case is these people are flamboyant and have a taste in them that allows them to buy vehicles that support our planet with a vast amount of style as they can come in any shape, size, and colour.

I’ve always believed electric cars can help lower gas emissions and save our planet. Since the planet could work on using more electric vehicles I fight the urge to recommend any petrol cars and as I grew the more mature, I came to realising that my stance on electric vehicles is correct, I urge you all to start driving electric cars and I believe we can do that, and we can do that now!

TryingForMHS

Unless their one big 1st bp is split into 3 bp then 4 bp's is impractical. Also I think you can combine your first argument (Can be used to give assistance to law enforcement or city councils to tackle down many barriers that creates a bad city) and your second arguement (The city has all the resources). Also your third argument doesn't really have any evidence and is a small argument, so I think you can remove your third argument. However I like your last argument (invasion of privacy) and your use of vocab there (even though i suck at vocab i somehow knew what coerce means)
If anyone has any rebuttals to my points then point it out, this is just from my experience from tuition

MMHS

TryingForMHS
Yea i agree because the first two points can be joined together as one, otherwise there is no point making that your second para, third one the ideas are fine but its just uneaven compared to the others, something examiners look out for.

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