Victorian Selective Entry High Schools 2024 - Results!

a oh sorry i didnt read yours before posting thats mb but thanks

mhsbandar nah sorry i didn’t mean to say u were copying my point or smth lollll

mhsbandar tysm for ur feedback

mhsbandar Well first off both stories sound really good, its definitely a close standard to what is needed for superior in writing, dw the time management will get better over practice. I don't have much criticism to give but here are some areas I think need working.

Narrative: The plot point about the grandpa could have been introduced in a small line at the beginning, as in the middle feels a bit sudden. like right after he woke up he could say "man commercial planes have really changed over the decades, my grandpa used to tell me all the intricacies of the flying beauties he flown, sad that he's past now". Or how his grandpa was a airline fanatic idk. You could have also not specified what the flight attendant realised, like more show not tell.

persuasive: Could have gone more specific as too why dignity is a human right, like what dignity is and its importance in our lives. Also in the third paragraph you could have named the financial and emotional burden of the loved ones of the patient.

a I'm a male I go SCHS, I got in year 10 entry with 4 sup and 1 above average(top 20%)

My above average was writing Probably because I didn't do a single proper practice essay

mhsbandar dont use " I strongly"

MHS successful candidate yeah, I normally just use "In a matter of opinion it is strongly advised that..." But it might be too many words cl. Good that you spotted that!

din refrain from using a lot of dialogue, and focus more on description while also carrying the plot onwards, a really cliche term but it's really important in writing - 'show not tell'
great vocabulary choice, but do not use such figurative descriptions of the character's actions, try to make it like from 'her mum screamed back in reply' to a 'the booming voice of the mother reverberated in the lounge, the reply rebounding off every wall, kindling the fury of ami' then from 'ami ran out the front door in rage', you could try 'as the voice echoed in her head, a loud slam silenced the adversary hypnotizing.'

MHS successful candidate damn i would recommend to probably get a better understanding of the vocab, and try to apply them in narratives as much as possible for the people who are struggling w/ writing
read more books to better construct a complete narrative in your head when doing tests (when given a prompt), as you can understand styles of authors (autuer) and what vocab they use, because major authors normally write a similar genre-based book, so find words of good phrases to copy down and then use if the given narrative prompt is revolving around it, that's what I'll give for narrative construction and vocabulary usage

asianasen i was just kidding, understood what u said, i was js giving an example or atleast i tried for "show not tell."

asianasen oh ok thanks

MHS successful candidate yeh ik, js for the people out there who is struggling w/ writing

asianasen k

Dosanjh (NHS) whats so funny mate

.. mb lmao ur so good damn

hey can everyone please rate my writing and tell me which grade it will get is sehs. I am currently in yr 8 and in Glen Waverly secondary. Can you also please give deatiled feedback if possible. Thank you.
title: You are locked in a room that says: DO NOT OPEN
I blinked open my eyes. I spun around, scrutinizing every inch of the room, which apparently had no door. I was simply locked in.
At the very corner of my eye, I saw a small wooden box. It was full of moss and covered in cobwebs. I carefully tipped forward and blew on the box to get rid of the dust. The box had giant, dark red letters scrawled across it:

"DO NOT OPEN!"

My mind was spinning. I pondered whether I should open the box. My thoughts inched closer and closer to temptation. A quote surfaced in my mind:

"Curiosity isn’t a sin, but caution should always come first."

But at that moment, my body didn’t care. I pounded forward and thrust open the great, heavy lid.

Immediately, I started coughing. Dust billowed out like smoke, swirling around me like the aftermath of a meteor crash. I waved my hands, trying to clear the air.

"There is nothing in this stupid box," I thought savagely and turned away.

I was stuck. Forever.

I curled up on the cold, hard ground, hoping this was all just a nightmare. Just as I was drifting off…

A raspy voice creaked, "Leave this place now!"

I jerked awake, my eyes darting frantically around the room.

"I was probably dreaming," I thought, hopefully.

Suddenly, another voice cackled maniacally and whispered, "No, stay. You are trapped, and there is nothing you can do about it."

I froze. My pupils widened in horror. My heart slammed against my ribs.

"Go to the box," a hoarse voice choked out.

I bolted towards it. My hands trembled as I lifted the lid once more—and to my bemusement, a small trapdoor lay hidden inside.

Without thinking, I flung it open and scrambled inside, crawling desperately through the narrow tunnel. My breath came in ragged gasps. The walls were cold, damp, and suffocating, but I kept pushing forward.

And then—light.

I burst outside, gasping for air. My legs wobbled as I stood up, and I instinctively turned back toward the place I had just escaped from.

It wasn’t a room. It wasn’t even a box.

It was a massive steel container.

Etched across the surface in bold, eerie letters were the words:

"SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS."

Messithegoat1234 maybe turn ur sentences into paragraphs by like combining them I guess, atleast like 5 paragraphs should be good. Rather than saying how u felt maybe u could "show" like instead of saying my legs wobbled u could say smth like, "my legs were noodles" and instead of the person escaping, maybe he could stay trappe. for increased tension.