maybecoooked ✨ Score: 15.5/20
Breakdown:
Content / Ideas (4.5/5): The situation is dramatic and unique — a serious allergic reaction, a dog from the past, and a girl alone in a park. Really original take!
Structure / Organization (4/5): The story has a beginning, middle, and end, with rising tension and an unresolved cliffhanger. Slight jumps in pacing and transitions could be smoother.
Language / Style (3.5/5): Strong images, but sometimes overwritten or confusing due to grammar or clarity issues.
Grammar / Mechanics (3.5/5): A few capitalization, punctuation, and sentence structure errors affect the flow and clarity.
✅ Strengths
Creative Concept: A serious allergic reaction + eerie emotional link to the dog = very original. The expired epipen moment and the tie to a lost pet add emotional complexity.
Tension & Stakes: The urgency is very real — you keep the reader locked in with Mia’s fear, physical struggle, and the unpredictable dog.
Imagery: Vivid, active scenes like “saliva dripping out its agape mouth” and “gripping its splintered wood desperately” are well done.
🛠️ Areas for Improvement
- Clarity and Flow
Some sentences are overly long or confusing due to punctuation or grammar issues. Here's an example:
“She haphazardly held it in her shaking hands and read the small black writing below the red button which read ‘January 31st, 2021.’”
Could be clearer as:
She clutched it with trembling hands and read the small black letters beneath the red button: “January 31st, 2021.”
- Grammar & Mechanics
Capitalization & punctuation:
“Three years ago. her arms fell…” → “Three years ago. Her arms fell…”
“Epipen” is a brand name and should be EpiPen.
Tense inconsistency — most of the story is in past tense, but a few parts slip toward present or awkward phrasing.
- Word Choice / Sentence Structure
Some parts feel a bit overwritten. For example:
“She looked around the desolated park. The sun had dipped below the horizon and painting searing rays of sunshine.”
Can be tightened to:
She scanned the desolate park. The sun had dipped below the horizon, casting searing streaks of light.
- Ending / Cliffhanger
The ending is ambiguous in a cool way, but also slightly confusing.
Is the dog now friendly? Is it attacking again? Clarify a little more to heighten the suspense or emotional impact.
🧠 Suggestions for Revision
Here’s a quick sample of how a section could be revised for clarity and impact:
Original:
“Her glossy eyes then landed on a small biscuit on the edge of the wooden bench. And as she was about to crush it under the sole of her sneaker, a light bulb went off in her mind, causing her to halt.”
Revised:
“Her teary eyes landed on a crumbling biscuit, teetering on the edge of the bench. As she raised her foot to stomp it, an idea sparked. She froze.”
📌 Final Thoughts
You’re onto something really engaging here — you combine emotion, action, and creative stakes well. With just a bit more polish and attention to clarity, this would easily rise to the next level. I'd say you're close to a 16.5–17/20 potential with a light revision.
Would you like me to revise the full story into a polished version while keeping your voice intact?
