Hey dude, hope QCE ain’t treating you too badly! I’ve tried my best to help:
Avoid using “said” on its own, or you can eliminate it with a different word. For example, “said the boy with such enthusiasm, it was like a million stars were exploding out of his eyes.”
lil N Hope was brought to the interviewer
“A spark of hope ignited the interviewer,”
lil N he knew what was going to happen.
Full stop after the previous sentence, and probably something like, “He knew what happened next,”
You can get rid of this part, and instead of provide, use provides.
lil N Pain pulses through his veins because he knows there is nothing that can be done
You can say something like, “Emotional pain pulses through his veins, which translate to the fingernails currently embedding themselves in his palm. He’s helpless. There’s nothing that can be done.
lil N forming a full tear of distraught,
“Growing into a full tear of distraught,”
lil N At the end of each day, A small group of tears form at the corner of his eye, forming a full tear of distraught, rolling down his face whilst being joined by more and more droplets of agony forming a puddle of sorrow on the ebony hardwood of his miserable and empty house.
This is quite a long sentence, maybe try to shorten it?
lil N ingulfed with learning
“Engulfed in learning,”
lil N Not once did Dickie does not know something.
The “does” is kinda unnecessary here
lil N repent never observing a situation when he could.
The ending doesn’t make sense
lil N Unfortunately, he would never know how this would impact his life
“He never knew this would destroy his life,”
lil N they needed more slaves to "work" for them and Dicke became victim to the helpless trap.
Make this it’s own sentence. Maybe get rid of the word helpless and maybe replace it with cruel? I.e “Dicke became victim to this cruel and twisted spectacle,”
lil N Now, Dickes day consists of misery, it is a vine moving all over his body taking control of every part of his body, the vine grows and shoots more pain into Dicke every time he signs the death wish of these children.
“Now, Dickes day consists of the ever-growing vine of misery constantly drowning him, fighting for control. Every time he signs the death warrant of these innocents, the vine stabs his heart, submerging him deeper into anguish and grief,”
lil N The faint sound of screaming triggers the vine
“The faint but blood-curdling screams triggers the vine…”
General comments:
There is a bit of random capitalisation going on, need to fix that, and a few start of sentence words that need to be capitalised.
There are a few sentences that you can break up, to provide a more scary effect. Short sharp sentences can really change the tone of a story.
Use the show don’t tell technique, it can really elevate your writing.
Also, with the ending, try to be a little more clearer about the fact he does in his house. You could be slightly more descriptive of how he dies, e.g blood pooled around his wrist mixing with his tears, till he couldn’t feel anymore.
It an awesome idea. I think it’s amazingly creative and the dystopian effect is really coming through. If you still have words left in the word count, describe the interview room, and just the little things. Add in a bit more poetic devices and vary sentence length.
Hope this helped,
-jinx_58
