heeduo4life that is a 9/10 if it is a discussion piece. However, if it is persuasive, it should be focused on one viewpoint. Since i think a persuasive prompt is more common, my advice is for a persuasive essay.
For the last paragraph, try formatting it like this:
1-contention- your viewpoint on the topic
2-summary of arguments- try not to make it too mechanic, use more.. flow-y(?) words
3-interesting ending- maybe a final suggestion, or something funny
EXAMPLE
Conclusively, working remotely is the obvious answer, no matter your situation. It will ensure a more peaceful and calm working environment, a much more positive work-life balance and it will also benefit the environment. Anyways, would you really prefer to wake up early to go to work or sleep in and work in your pyjamas?
DISCLAIMER: this isn't the best advice in the world, but it is what I would do, and I consider writing as my best skill for the SEHS exam
ANOTHER NOTE: the reason i gave it a 9 was because of your use of grammar and punctuations to make the text cohesive, in addition to the extensive vocab u used
