js realised its already feb
Victorian Selective Entry High Schools 2024 - Results!
but just do good and you get in trust
chxin Sry I didn't mean to glaze
chxin NOOO ALREADY
ok so its lowk rlly bad so pls dont judge, i js need feedback, the prompt was a girl sitting on a chair and looking at a computer.
“Game over! Seriously! Again?” thought Ami furiously. She had been clicking the same few buttons for the past few hours and she kept hearing the same robotic voice at the end of it.
Ami dawdled downstairs to get some water, when her mum appeared out of nowhere. “Ami, do your chores!” She yelled. “Later.” Ami mumbled back. “Watch that attitude!” her mum screamed back in reply. Ami ran out the front door in rage, when could she be an adult and make her own choices and before she knew it she was in a whole other world.
“Where am I?” Ami said, a tint of fear in her voice. “Welcome to Ghost Chasers: Grown Edition.” Spoke a mysterious voice “Heh, that’s not a thing.” Ami chuckled in reply. “Oh, yes it is, “ The voice replied in an eerie tone, “follow the purple trail along to the adult store.” Ami strolled along the path, her curiousity guiding her further into this mysterious place.
“Welcome to the adult store.” the voice startled her this time. Ami gazed around the place in awe. Everything she ever wanted was here. her favourite clothes, shoes, video games, everything! She grabbed at the first thing she saw and bought it with her credit card she mysteriously had in her pocket.
“I never want to leave!” Ami exclaimed with pure joy. She continued wandering down the trail and reached a club. Ami ran in excitement and sat at the bench, with every hint of fear assuaged by the music playing in the background. Ami got some fries from the ordering station. She was feeling the happiest she had felt in years, but it al came to a end, when a security guard escorted her out, apparently she ran out of credit.
Ami desperately wanted to go back to normal the second things begun to spin out of control.
After trying everything to escape this “adult word”, she realised she had to earn back the credit and get a job. This instantly made Ami grateful for everything she had, she realised she wasn’t ready to be an adult yet and she had finally made her peace with that.
Ami opened her eyes and she was in her house on her couch, she had never been more grateful to be home.
(its so bad now that i read over it again, so pls dont judge)
din def not an expert but it’s just my personal opinion. firstly, maybe you could elaborate more on how Ami got to the “whole other world” i think it was a bit too sudden and unlogical. the same goes for how she suddenly appeared back home. secondly, i think you could explain what “Ghost Chasers: Grown edition” is to the reader because it’s unclear, i assume it the computer game she was playing? thirdly, you could describe Ami’s feelings more in depth using similes, metaphors etc. , like the part where she “desperately wanted to go back to normal”. Instead of just saying what she wanted, you could let readers discover what Ami feels through describing her “inner world” or her dialogue instead of you narrating her feelings (i dont rlly know how to say it but it’s like the reader will be able tell what Ami wants through her words and thoughts??????? HELP IDK SORRY IDK WHAT IM YAPPING ABT
)I think this will definitely help the reader understand Ami’s state in a better way and show the schools you can use different methods to show emotions. and lastly, maybe you can describe how Ami felt during the security guard part, because right now it doesn’t seem like things were “out of control” at all, she was just getting escorted out, no shouting no chaos no struggling ykwim i’m NOT a writing expert so pls take everything with a grain of salt and in some parts where i explained them rlly bad pls don’t mind
din I hope this is a essay that replicated test conditions(on paper, 30mins) because if not it will be difficult to give a proper analysis. I going to copy paste this essay and write my feed back in Italics. Btw please don't take offense to the comments, this is solely for the story as I know u are a great person.
“Game over! Seriously! Again?” thought Ami furiously. She had been clicking the same few buttons for the past few hours and she kept hearing the same robotic voice at the end of it.
Ami dawdled downstairs to get some water, when her mum appeared out of nowhere. “Ami, do your chores! could have been more specific like the dishes” She yelled. “Later.” Ami mumbled back maybe add a word indicating her tone like "begrudgingly". “Watch that attitude!” her mum screamed back in reply. Ami ran out the front door in rage, when could she be an adult and make her own choices and before she knew it she was in a whole other world. where did being an adult come from?
Paragraph FB: Felt unauthentic and unrelatable to the audience, does not build a connection to the character
“Where am I?” Ami said, a tint of fear in her voice. “Welcome to Ghost Chasers: Grown Edition.” What has ghost chasers have to do with this? could have just said "dream game: grown addition" because ghost chaser does not add to the plot Spoke a mysterious ominous is better voice “Heh, that’s not a thing.” Ami chuckled in reply. “Oh, yes it is, “ The voice replied in an eerie tone, “follow the purple trail along to the adult store.” Ami strolled along the path, her curiosity guiding her further into this mysterious repeated mysterious twice in the same paragraph place.
paragraph FB: Unrelatable( HOW IS SHE SO CALM), moves too fast for the reader to properly interpret.
“Welcome to the adult store. Ayo? nah mb but sounds a bit vague” the voice startled her this time. Ami gazed around the place in awe. Everything she ever wanted was here. her favourite clothes, shoes, video games, everything! She grabbed at the first thing she saw and bought it with her credit card she mysteriously context? this is jus made up for plot had in her pocket.
paragraph FB: Not sure how this connect to being an adult in the game.
“I never want to leave!” Ami exclaimed with pure joy unecessary sentence. She continued wandering down the trail and reached a club what trail? I thought we were in the store?. Ami ran in excitement excitement was written twice in same paragraph and sat at the bench, with every hint of fear assuaged by the music playing in the background. Ami got some fries from the ordering station. She was feeling the happiest she had felt in years context?, but it al(l) came to a(n) end, when a security guard escorted her out, apparently she ran out of credit.
Paragraph feedback: Story went way to fast
Ami desperately wanted to go back to normal (missing comma) the second things begun to spin out of control. could have rephrased
After trying everything no detail? to escape this “adult word”, she realised she had to earn back the credit and get a job that is some very sudden reasoning. This instantly made Ami grateful for everything she had what?, she realised she wasn’t ready to be an adult yet and she had finally made her peace with that. what does buying the clothes u want relate to being an adult
Paragraph FB: The moral of the story felt forced at the end instead of a smooth progression.
Ami opened her eyes and she was in her house on her couch, she had never been more grateful to be home. could have added that she went out of bed and did the chores idk
Story Feedback: I saw the overall message and it was good. Very intriguing vocabulary on some sentences. You forgot to describe the prompt properly, didn't add u were on a chair or that u were playing on a PC instead of a TV or something. Lots of straight forward sentences( I know its cliche but show not tell in pretty important as it allows the reader to be engaged and make its own guesses). Didn't really sense the theme until the very end of the story, its like u crammed it in. Some sentence structuring could have been better. But overall its a complete story! Much better than what I was doing at the start of year 9. Also sorry for the waffle.
Honestly u could have just halved this story and added some intricate detail. Leave it on a cliff-hanger like the security guard looking dead straight and the protagonist and saying "Pay up". You don't need a fully complete a story to get an engaging writing piece! But this is my opinion it would be great if u asked others.
I am only a year 10 after all 
i feel like my problem is that i cant come up with a storyline so i have to rush the essay when its timed
and the plot becomes rlly bad and i cant put the moral message in it but ill work on that now