din def not an expert but it’s just my personal opinion. firstly, maybe you could elaborate more on how Ami got to the “whole other world” i think it was a bit too sudden and unlogical. the same goes for how she suddenly appeared back home. secondly, i think you could explain what “Ghost Chasers: Grown edition” is to the reader because it’s unclear, i assume it the computer game she was playing? thirdly, you could describe Ami’s feelings more in depth using similes, metaphors etc. , like the part where she “desperately wanted to go back to normal”. Instead of just saying what she wanted, you could let readers discover what Ami feels through describing her “inner world” or her dialogue instead of you narrating her feelings (i dont rlly know how to say it but it’s like the reader will be able tell what Ami wants through her words and thoughts??????? HELP IDK SORRY IDK WHAT IM YAPPING ABT
)I think this will definitely help the reader understand Ami’s state in a better way and show the schools you can use different methods to show emotions. and lastly, maybe you can describe how Ami felt during the security guard part, because right now it doesn’t seem like things were “out of control” at all, she was just getting escorted out, no shouting no chaos no struggling ykwim i’m NOT a writing expert so pls take everything with a grain of salt and in some parts where i explained them rlly bad pls don’t mind
Victorian Selective Entry High Schools 2024 - Results!
din I hope this is a essay that replicated test conditions(on paper, 30mins) because if not it will be difficult to give a proper analysis. I going to copy paste this essay and write my feed back in Italics. Btw please don't take offense to the comments, this is solely for the story as I know u are a great person.
“Game over! Seriously! Again?” thought Ami furiously. She had been clicking the same few buttons for the past few hours and she kept hearing the same robotic voice at the end of it.
Ami dawdled downstairs to get some water, when her mum appeared out of nowhere. “Ami, do your chores! could have been more specific like the dishes” She yelled. “Later.” Ami mumbled back maybe add a word indicating her tone like "begrudgingly". “Watch that attitude!” her mum screamed back in reply. Ami ran out the front door in rage, when could she be an adult and make her own choices and before she knew it she was in a whole other world. where did being an adult come from?
Paragraph FB: Felt unauthentic and unrelatable to the audience, does not build a connection to the character
“Where am I?” Ami said, a tint of fear in her voice. “Welcome to Ghost Chasers: Grown Edition.” What has ghost chasers have to do with this? could have just said "dream game: grown addition" because ghost chaser does not add to the plot Spoke a mysterious ominous is better voice “Heh, that’s not a thing.” Ami chuckled in reply. “Oh, yes it is, “ The voice replied in an eerie tone, “follow the purple trail along to the adult store.” Ami strolled along the path, her curiosity guiding her further into this mysterious repeated mysterious twice in the same paragraph place.
paragraph FB: Unrelatable( HOW IS SHE SO CALM), moves too fast for the reader to properly interpret.
“Welcome to the adult store. Ayo? nah mb but sounds a bit vague” the voice startled her this time. Ami gazed around the place in awe. Everything she ever wanted was here. her favourite clothes, shoes, video games, everything! She grabbed at the first thing she saw and bought it with her credit card she mysteriously context? this is jus made up for plot had in her pocket.
paragraph FB: Not sure how this connect to being an adult in the game.
“I never want to leave!” Ami exclaimed with pure joy unecessary sentence. She continued wandering down the trail and reached a club what trail? I thought we were in the store?. Ami ran in excitement excitement was written twice in same paragraph and sat at the bench, with every hint of fear assuaged by the music playing in the background. Ami got some fries from the ordering station. She was feeling the happiest she had felt in years context?, but it al(l) came to a(n) end, when a security guard escorted her out, apparently she ran out of credit.
Paragraph feedback: Story went way to fast
Ami desperately wanted to go back to normal (missing comma) the second things begun to spin out of control. could have rephrased
After trying everything no detail? to escape this “adult word”, she realised she had to earn back the credit and get a job that is some very sudden reasoning. This instantly made Ami grateful for everything she had what?, she realised she wasn’t ready to be an adult yet and she had finally made her peace with that. what does buying the clothes u want relate to being an adult
Paragraph FB: The moral of the story felt forced at the end instead of a smooth progression.
Ami opened her eyes and she was in her house on her couch, she had never been more grateful to be home. could have added that she went out of bed and did the chores idk
Story Feedback: I saw the overall message and it was good. Very intriguing vocabulary on some sentences. You forgot to describe the prompt properly, didn't add u were on a chair or that u were playing on a PC instead of a TV or something. Lots of straight forward sentences( I know its cliche but show not tell in pretty important as it allows the reader to be engaged and make its own guesses). Didn't really sense the theme until the very end of the story, its like u crammed it in. Some sentence structuring could have been better. But overall its a complete story! Much better than what I was doing at the start of year 9. Also sorry for the waffle.
Honestly u could have just halved this story and added some intricate detail. Leave it on a cliff-hanger like the security guard looking dead straight and the protagonist and saying "Pay up". You don't need a fully complete a story to get an engaging writing piece! But this is my opinion it would be great if u asked others.
I am only a year 10 after all 
i feel like my problem is that i cant come up with a storyline so i have to rush the essay when its timed
and the plot becomes rlly bad and i cant put the moral message in it but ill work on that now
din dont take this feedback to heart or trust it for any matter, i just sped read over the text and here are some general tips i would give (but its great for a timed essay only a couple things u can improve on)
the "flow" of the story is not the best, the story progresses quite slowly at the beginning and then abruptly concludes at the end. it kinda made it more unsatisfying to read as the climax should be the most exciting part of the story, although in yours there didnt really feel like one. i would personally take maybe 30 seconds longer before starting to write and plan out the story, making sure the scope of it is something possible to put on paper in 20 minutes.
i would suggest you "equivocate" more, and what i mean by that is using more vague or show don't tell language to let the reader visualise for themselves and so the interpretation of the story is more up to them. you could do this by using more descriptive language, more similes, metaphors and hyperbole, and maybe using less dialogue to really let the reader think about whats going through the mind of the protagonist. u shouldnt overdo it though
sorry if these tips are bad i dont really know how to explain them any better. but it was a pretty good story and if u just practise more the quality of your writing could fr skyrocket
also if u have time could anyone rate these 2 pieces, persuasive and narrative, it took me like 30-40 min to write each which is not great but feedback would help
narrative: (crash landing)
I woke in a cold sweat to a clattering sound. Yawning in exasperation, I peered out the window to see that the left wing was vibrating uncontrollably.
“Dear passengers, we are experiencing a bit of turbulence but rest assured we have it completely under control. Sorry for the inconvenience,” the loudspeaker blared.
Shrugging in indifference, I put my eye mask back on my face and began to drift off, thinking it was just a regular occurrence. But then the plane jolted to the side suddenly, sending a shiver through my body. I tried to ignore it and fall asleep, but then I heard a bloodcurdling scream from one of the flight attendants. I ripped the mask off my face to look out the window again, only this time, the wing was missing.
I tried to maintain my composure as the plane began to rapidly descend, but apprehension was creeping into my veins as every second passed. I heard passengers squealing and crying in horror, and I knew there was not much time left before all our lives would be lost. My grandfather, as an expert pilot, would have immediately taken it upon himself to steer the plane to safety. So, as the only passenger who knew how to fly a plane, I got off my seat and hurried to the cockpit, clenching my teeth in fear.
Opening the door to the cabin, I saw that both the pilots had fainted over their steering wheels. Now that I was even more terrified, I tried to take control, when I suddenly felt a tug on my jacket.
“Sir, you cannot go in there! P-please leave this up to the p-pilots, they surely have everything under control-” the flight attendant yelled, her jaw dropping to the floor in fear when she realised the pilots were unconscious.
I took her hand off my shoulder and ignored her plea, grabbing a hold of the steering wheel. The lives of hundreds of people were now in my hands. I closed my eyes and prayed that this would work.
The plane was approaching the ground rapidly, and my hands began to tremble, but a wave of relief washed over me as I saw the runway only a few hundred metres ahead. So, using the skills my grandfather had taught, and with all the power left in my body, I steered the plane up.
The plane hit the runway with a loud crash, as a raucous screech reverberated through the hull. But the plane stopped. Applause started to emerge from the back of the plane. Confused, I looked outside the windscreen to see that we were on the ground. Safely. I ambled out of the seat in disbelief, realising I had just saved hundreds of lives. A soothing sense of solace overcame me, and I collapsed on the floor in enervation and reassurance. My grandfather would be proud.
persuasive: (should euthanasia be legalised) (note: i dont actually agree with this point of view but i couldnt think of supportive reasons for the opposing one without discussing religion)
Imagine that you are lying miserably in a hospital bed with an incurable disease, throbbing in agony, on the brink of death, and praying that the anguish would end soon. In cases like these, and with the permission of the suffering patient, a simple way to fulfil these wishes would be to euthanise the patient. Euthanasia is a quick, effective, and peaceful way to die. I strongly believe that it should be legalised as it does not cause pain to the patient, it enforces human rights, and it is an easier way to end a patient’s torment.
Firstly, the administration of euthanasia is a very gentle process. The chemicals used in euthanasia are similar to those used in anaesthesia, except that these ones override and shut down the body, killing the patient painlessly, all while only taking a single injection. For a person who is already going to die a slow, painful death, euthanasia stands out as a merciful alternative to letting the patient suffer stoically. Putting the patient to rest like this shows compassion and empathy for what they are experiencing, and will make their final moments somewhat bearable.
Furthermore, dignity is a basic human right and must not be ignored even when patients are on the verge of death. It is important to realise that patients who want to be euthanised, and are willingly choosing to die, are going through unbearable pain. Certain diseases and conditions make patients’ lives insufferable, and so the least we can do is allow them to die tranquilly and with dignity.
In addition to the above, euthanasia is above all, an easy way to end a patient’s misery without any ethical implications. The process is simple; the doctor injects chemicals into the body of the patient, and within a few minutes, the patient is dead. On the contrary, keeping the ill patient alive would require a great deal of futile effort and nursing care, not to mention the patient continuing to experience severe pain. Euthanasia would allow the patient to die in peace, without requiring painful repercussions.
Ultimately, I hope you can now see from the arguments listed above that euthanasia should be legalised. It is pain-free, a demonstration of human rights, and a simple way for a suffering patient to be put to rest. After all, everyone should be allowed to die peacefully.
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oh sorry i didnt read yours before posting thats mb but thanks