Honestly u could have just halved this story and added some intricate detail. Leave it on a cliff-hanger like the security guard looking dead straight and the protagonist and saying "Pay up". You don't need a fully complete a story to get an engaging writing piece! But this is my opinion it would be great if u asked others.
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I am only a year 10 after all 
i feel like my problem is that i cant come up with a storyline so i have to rush the essay when its timed
and the plot becomes rlly bad and i cant put the moral message in it but ill work on that now
din dont take this feedback to heart or trust it for any matter, i just sped read over the text and here are some general tips i would give (but its great for a timed essay only a couple things u can improve on)
the "flow" of the story is not the best, the story progresses quite slowly at the beginning and then abruptly concludes at the end. it kinda made it more unsatisfying to read as the climax should be the most exciting part of the story, although in yours there didnt really feel like one. i would personally take maybe 30 seconds longer before starting to write and plan out the story, making sure the scope of it is something possible to put on paper in 20 minutes.
i would suggest you "equivocate" more, and what i mean by that is using more vague or show don't tell language to let the reader visualise for themselves and so the interpretation of the story is more up to them. you could do this by using more descriptive language, more similes, metaphors and hyperbole, and maybe using less dialogue to really let the reader think about whats going through the mind of the protagonist. u shouldnt overdo it though
sorry if these tips are bad i dont really know how to explain them any better. but it was a pretty good story and if u just practise more the quality of your writing could fr skyrocket
also if u have time could anyone rate these 2 pieces, persuasive and narrative, it took me like 30-40 min to write each which is not great but feedback would help
narrative: (crash landing)
I woke in a cold sweat to a clattering sound. Yawning in exasperation, I peered out the window to see that the left wing was vibrating uncontrollably.
“Dear passengers, we are experiencing a bit of turbulence but rest assured we have it completely under control. Sorry for the inconvenience,” the loudspeaker blared.
Shrugging in indifference, I put my eye mask back on my face and began to drift off, thinking it was just a regular occurrence. But then the plane jolted to the side suddenly, sending a shiver through my body. I tried to ignore it and fall asleep, but then I heard a bloodcurdling scream from one of the flight attendants. I ripped the mask off my face to look out the window again, only this time, the wing was missing.
I tried to maintain my composure as the plane began to rapidly descend, but apprehension was creeping into my veins as every second passed. I heard passengers squealing and crying in horror, and I knew there was not much time left before all our lives would be lost. My grandfather, as an expert pilot, would have immediately taken it upon himself to steer the plane to safety. So, as the only passenger who knew how to fly a plane, I got off my seat and hurried to the cockpit, clenching my teeth in fear.
Opening the door to the cabin, I saw that both the pilots had fainted over their steering wheels. Now that I was even more terrified, I tried to take control, when I suddenly felt a tug on my jacket.
“Sir, you cannot go in there! P-please leave this up to the p-pilots, they surely have everything under control-” the flight attendant yelled, her jaw dropping to the floor in fear when she realised the pilots were unconscious.
I took her hand off my shoulder and ignored her plea, grabbing a hold of the steering wheel. The lives of hundreds of people were now in my hands. I closed my eyes and prayed that this would work.
The plane was approaching the ground rapidly, and my hands began to tremble, but a wave of relief washed over me as I saw the runway only a few hundred metres ahead. So, using the skills my grandfather had taught, and with all the power left in my body, I steered the plane up.
The plane hit the runway with a loud crash, as a raucous screech reverberated through the hull. But the plane stopped. Applause started to emerge from the back of the plane. Confused, I looked outside the windscreen to see that we were on the ground. Safely. I ambled out of the seat in disbelief, realising I had just saved hundreds of lives. A soothing sense of solace overcame me, and I collapsed on the floor in enervation and reassurance. My grandfather would be proud.
persuasive: (should euthanasia be legalised) (note: i dont actually agree with this point of view but i couldnt think of supportive reasons for the opposing one without discussing religion)
Imagine that you are lying miserably in a hospital bed with an incurable disease, throbbing in agony, on the brink of death, and praying that the anguish would end soon. In cases like these, and with the permission of the suffering patient, a simple way to fulfil these wishes would be to euthanise the patient. Euthanasia is a quick, effective, and peaceful way to die. I strongly believe that it should be legalised as it does not cause pain to the patient, it enforces human rights, and it is an easier way to end a patient’s torment.
Firstly, the administration of euthanasia is a very gentle process. The chemicals used in euthanasia are similar to those used in anaesthesia, except that these ones override and shut down the body, killing the patient painlessly, all while only taking a single injection. For a person who is already going to die a slow, painful death, euthanasia stands out as a merciful alternative to letting the patient suffer stoically. Putting the patient to rest like this shows compassion and empathy for what they are experiencing, and will make their final moments somewhat bearable.
Furthermore, dignity is a basic human right and must not be ignored even when patients are on the verge of death. It is important to realise that patients who want to be euthanised, and are willingly choosing to die, are going through unbearable pain. Certain diseases and conditions make patients’ lives insufferable, and so the least we can do is allow them to die tranquilly and with dignity.
In addition to the above, euthanasia is above all, an easy way to end a patient’s misery without any ethical implications. The process is simple; the doctor injects chemicals into the body of the patient, and within a few minutes, the patient is dead. On the contrary, keeping the ill patient alive would require a great deal of futile effort and nursing care, not to mention the patient continuing to experience severe pain. Euthanasia would allow the patient to die in peace, without requiring painful repercussions.
Ultimately, I hope you can now see from the arguments listed above that euthanasia should be legalised. It is pain-free, a demonstration of human rights, and a simple way for a suffering patient to be put to rest. After all, everyone should be allowed to die peacefully.
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oh sorry i didnt read yours before posting thats mb but thanks