markkk i feel as though as you said this is like year 8 level, you will need a better play on words and using better vocabulary, the passage needs to flow a bit better also. It seems year 7-8 level in the fact that many things are just placed and stated, but rather should be weaved allusively throughout the passage

      markkk Could you tell me where you explained how your evidence links with your explanation? (not a critic just a question). Also I think you should go more into depth about the core fundamentals of a human and how that relates to fear.

      For example(I have no idea what a story is about so mb in advance) you could add sentences like "An integral piece in humanity is the ability to hold onto and maintain social connection, and when a mental foundation like this is facing conflict, fear arises. A prominent example is Michele, a person who relies more on core fundamental instincts instead of the logical approaches when dealing with the dilemma with visiting Filippo". I don't know if that's a good example, I am after all only a year 9 student who sucks at English.

        2 months later

        It is a little hard to judge out of context but often when analysing something in English one of the criteria is cultural attitudes, assumptions, and beliefs I think it would help if you were to research a bit of background about when whatever this piece was made and a bit about the author and overall background, that way you can reference it throughout and really drive the main point of whatever the piece your analysing is I see you've done it at the start but I think it could be done a little more and a little better. The first sentence for example could be extended and improved on, you've sort of got the idea but cut it short just before you've made a concise yet detailed point. Your sentence structure could be improved on as the paragraph doesn't seem to flow nicely (part of this is because I have no context for the paragraph) it sort of seems like really individual sentences that have quite apparent starts and stops instead of one flowy paragraph that just goes on. You used the names a lot this may be difficult to cut down if you look at it sentence to sentence as it may be confusing if you just replace it with he however I think if you look at the paragraph as a whole you could restructure the sentencing which would help the paragraph flow more but also cut down on the repetitiveness. It also seems like your analysis is a bit surface level once again it's hard to tell without context but the way it is worded seems like you have these big broad concepts to analyse but you've only really scratched the surface level. Overall, you've got a really good base and with a little more effort on how you word it and put it together and a deeper level of analysis I think it would be fantastic. As for what grade level it is tough to say honestly especially since it also depends the grade but I think about a grade 8 B level. I'm in year 11 currently and I love giving feedback on assignments so if you need any in the future I'd be happy to help😊

        • Tas likes this.
        13 days later

        markkk
        Hi!
        I know this is really late (original post was in August) and I didn't even study English (I did EAL 3&4 this year and started mid year 10, but I was in top 3 of my class and my practice exam results were pretty decent).
        I think the problem was that the writing needed to be a little less descriptive and more concise, don't include as many related quotes because you can, choose the best quote and be as succinct as possible. The first example has too much description and so, the analysis is just not enough to justify it. You also should extend the analysis a little bit more than just half a sentence and cut a little deeper, as analysis is somewgat expected to be longer than the evidence itself. Remember to somehow connect it to the topic sentence of the body paragraph and by extension, to the original essay topic. Also, TEEL as some mentioned, may not make the essay be interesting, but don't underestimate the effect of a solid structure that helps ground your essay and writing. (I used it in my exams this year and in practice exams that an English examiner graded. TEEL is good!)
        You did well in embedding quotes and solid grammar and punctuation. For vocabulary and nore complex sentence structures, make a word bank to use during writing practices and read a lot.
        Also, don't be afraid that you can't improve because it's too late. This year (remember, year 12), my language analysis' result (a practice exam) was 6/10, and just a few tutoring sessions (school organised it for me) and more directed feedback from my year 12 teacher brought it up to 8/10 in just one term.
        Anyway, I've rambled on too much on a relatively old post, but I hope that it puts you at ease!
        Good luck with the rest of your studies!

          14 days later

          "For vocabulary and nore complex sentence structures, make a word bank to use during writing practices and read a lot"

          100% correct

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