din

This is a post for me(or anyone) to tell that they are leaving the site for a long time. I may come back during VCE but now I find this website to not be as fun or useful as it was before, as I've encountered more uneducated opinions than proper advice(not from recent events just in the past months), and already fulfilled what I needed from this site. My departure won't leave much of a impact so I just wanted to state this straight so no one would ask where I went. I hope the best for everyone's dreams and aspirations.

Goodbye!

Dosanjh (NHS) Have you ever lived in the west? I've lived in both the west and the east/inner suburbs and I enjoyed both equally, the west was a lot more relaxing and houses are more spacious/affordable, the east is typically wealthier with better public transport, and I haven't experienced or heard of anyone experiencing crime or feeling unsafe on either side. It isn't fair to generalize like that.

Ok tysm for the advice I'll keep that in mind

din alg! js lemme know if u have any more questions

MHS successful candidate damn i would recommend to probably get a better understanding of the vocab, and try to apply them in narratives as much as possible for the people who are struggling w/ writing
read more books to better construct a complete narrative in your head when doing tests (when given a prompt), as you can understand styles of authors (autuer) and what vocab they use, because major authors normally write a similar genre-based book, so find words of good phrases to copy down and then use if the given narrative prompt is revolving around it, that's what I'll give for narrative construction and vocabulary usage

din refrain from using a lot of dialogue, and focus more on description while also carrying the plot onwards, a really cliche term but it's really important in writing - 'show not tell'
great vocabulary choice, but do not use such figurative descriptions of the character's actions, try to make it like from 'her mum screamed back in reply' to a 'the booming voice of the mother reverberated in the lounge, the reply rebounding off every wall, kindling the fury of ami' then from 'ami ran out the front door in rage', you could try 'as the voice echoed in her head, a loud slam silenced the adversary hypnotizing.'

din dont take this feedback to heart or trust it for any matter, i just sped read over the text and here are some general tips i would give (but its great for a timed essay only a couple things u can improve on)

1. the "flow" of the story is not the best, the story progresses quite slowly at the beginning and then abruptly concludes at the end. it kinda made it more unsatisfying to read as the climax should be the most exciting part of the story, although in yours there didnt really feel like one. i would personally take maybe 30 seconds longer before starting to write and plan out the story, making sure the scope of it is something possible to put on paper in 20 minutes.

2. i would suggest you "equivocate" more, and what i mean by that is using more vague or show don't tell language to let the reader visualise for themselves and so the interpretation of the story is more up to them. you could do this by using more descriptive language, more similes, metaphors and hyperbole, and maybe using less dialogue to really let the reader think about whats going through the mind of the protagonist. u shouldnt overdo it though

sorry if these tips are bad i dont really know how to explain them any better. but it was a pretty good story and if u just practise more the quality of your writing could fr skyrocket

din yep. Actually I got these resources 1 and a half months before the test

a nah the feedback is on point. Maybe your execution of it is a bit flawed(its hard for people to read massive blocks of text, maybe space it out). Its good to have different opinions even if they aren't the most detailed.

din I hope this is a essay that replicated test conditions(on paper, 30mins) because if not it will be difficult to give a proper analysis. I going to copy paste this essay and write my feed back in Italics. Btw please don't take offense to the comments, this is solely for the story as I know u are a great person.

“Game over! Seriously! Again?” thought Ami furiously. She had been clicking the same few buttons for the past few hours and she kept hearing the same robotic voice at the end of it.

Ami dawdled downstairs to get some water, when her mum appeared out of nowhere. “Ami, do your chores! could have been more specific like the dishes” She yelled. “Later.” Ami mumbled back maybe add a word indicating her tone like "begrudgingly". “Watch that attitude!” her mum screamed back in reply. Ami ran out the front door in rage, when could she be an adult and make her own choices and before she knew it she was in a whole other world. where did being an adult come from?
Paragraph FB: Felt unauthentic and unrelatable to the audience, does not build a connection to the character

“Where am I?” Ami said, a tint of fear in her voice. “Welcome to Ghost Chasers: Grown Edition.” What has ghost chasers have to do with this? could have just said "dream game: grown addition" because ghost chaser does not add to the plot Spoke a mysterious ominous is better voice “Heh, that’s not a thing.” Ami chuckled in reply. “Oh, yes it is, “ The voice replied in an eerie tone, “follow the purple trail along to the adult store.” Ami strolled along the path, her curiosity guiding her further into this mysterious repeated mysterious twice in the same paragraph place.
paragraph FB: Unrelatable( HOW IS SHE SO CALM), moves too fast for the reader to properly interpret.

“Welcome to the adult store. Ayo? nah mb but sounds a bit vague” the voice startled her this time. Ami gazed around the place in awe. Everything she ever wanted was here. her favourite clothes, shoes, video games, everything! She grabbed at the first thing she saw and bought it with her credit card she mysteriously context? this is jus made up for plot had in her pocket.
paragraph FB: Not sure how this connect to being an adult in the game.

“I never want to leave!” Ami exclaimed with pure joy unecessary sentence. She continued wandering down the trail and reached a club what trail? I thought we were in the store?. Ami ran in excitement excitement was written twice in same paragraph and sat at the bench, with every hint of fear assuaged by the music playing in the background. Ami got some fries from the ordering station. She was feeling the happiest she had felt in years context?, but it al(l) came to a(n) end, when a security guard escorted her out, apparently she ran out of credit.
Paragraph feedback: Story went way to fast

Ami desperately wanted to go back to normal (missing comma) the second things begun to spin out of control. could have rephrased

After trying everything no detail? to escape this “adult word”, she realised she had to earn back the credit and get a job that is some very sudden reasoning. This instantly made Ami grateful for everything she had what?, she realised she wasn’t ready to be an adult yet and she had finally made her peace with that. what does buying the clothes u want relate to being an adult
Paragraph FB: The moral of the story felt forced at the end instead of a smooth progression.

Ami opened her eyes and she was in her house on her couch, she had never been more grateful to be home. could have added that she went out of bed and did the chores idk

Story Feedback: I saw the overall message and it was good. Very intriguing vocabulary on some sentences. You forgot to describe the prompt properly, didn't add u were on a chair or that u were playing on a PC instead of a TV or something. Lots of straight forward sentences( I know its cliche but show not tell in pretty important as it allows the reader to be engaged and make its own guesses). Didn't really sense the theme until the very end of the story, its like u crammed it in. Some sentence structuring could have been better. But overall its a complete story! Much better than what I was doing at the start of year 9. Also sorry for the waffle.

din def not an expert but it’s just my personal opinion. firstly, maybe you could elaborate more on how Ami got to the “whole other world” i think it was a bit too sudden and unlogical. the same goes for how she suddenly appeared back home. secondly, i think you could explain what “Ghost Chasers: Grown edition” is to the reader because it’s unclear, i assume it the computer game she was playing? thirdly, you could describe Ami’s feelings more in depth using similes, metaphors etc. , like the part where she “desperately wanted to go back to normal”. Instead of just saying what she wanted, you could let readers discover what Ami feels through describing her “inner world” or her dialogue instead of you narrating her feelings (i dont rlly know how to say it but it’s like the reader will be able tell what Ami wants through her words and thoughts??????? HELP IDK SORRY IDK WHAT IM YAPPING ABT)I think this will definitely help the reader understand Ami’s state in a better way and show the schools you can use different methods to show emotions. and lastly, maybe you can describe how Ami felt during the security guard part, because right now it doesn’t seem like things were “out of control” at all, she was just getting escorted out, no shouting no chaos no struggling ykwim i’m NOT a writing expert so pls take everything with a grain of salt and in some parts where i explained them rlly bad pls don’t mind

MMHS most schools are. Uni is were its at.

din can u do a practice piece then send it online? I know its gonna be a hassle copying what u wrote on paper to typing it on Atarnotes but we wanna see what the true problem is. Or you can go to your teachers or parents and ask what they found weird about your writing.

asianasen Nothing wrong with white kids it's just that immigrants especially of Asian decent (not excluding western/south east Asia) come from countries where study is like the n1 priority growing up much higher compared to anything else and getting into good colleges is extremely hard. That mentality stays when they move to Australia.

asianasen That is NOT the Werribee SCHS resides on, the air is good in my opinion. SCHS barely even sits in Werribee, it like near the boarder of Point Cook and Werribee. Most of area is grassland, but we have a uni, hospital, and train station near us. Which is good cus we can access a bunch of stuff easily.

din oh yeah, i heard the avg on its test was like a. 5 percent

din thanks, js having a hard time here, im js gonna delete the whole essay because i actually feel bad for what I've said tbh

din ill try my best, js something happened yesterday unrelated to this, i understand i shouldn't be saying this stuff, trying to ignore him now on

din oh swt i know some people doing it this year

din im going for macrob cs its the closest to me but tbh im not too confident there will be many spots this year.